f e a r s

One of my greatest fears is that I will become monotonous. That the creative, interesting, fun-loving part of my mind will one day die and I'll be left to do really standard tasks like doing my taxes or any kind of paper work for that matter. Waking up and knowing that the number one thing on my to do list is to vacuum the living room, or dust off the television, because I haven't changed the channel in weeks.  The day when these tasks become the highlights of my day, the day when I wait all day long just to speak to the mail man, or sit alone and watch, waiting for the pot to boil because I have nothing better to do. These are the days I fear the most.

What if my brain decided that it's not entertained by the small details in life that make me giggle with weird joy now? What if my mind decides it wants to quit? What if it just gives up? What if it's not a fighter like I think it is, and one day I'm a vegetable? What if my body gives up? What if I can't even get out of bed in the morning to vacuum my living room, or watch the pot boil? What if my body decided that one day it doesn't want to wake up?

I'm scared to lose my smile. I'm scared to lose the part of my soul that makes me cry during a live performance of Barber's Adagio for Strings, or makes me scream with excitement at the sight of the moon in the early afternoon. I don't wanna lose it.

I guess my greatest fear is to lose passion. Passion for music, for humans, for life.

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