Make Stuff Daily

I just had the most insane realization.


For the past month, I've considered moving to Paris, France to be an Au Pair instead of going to school Fall semester. Now, if I've learned anything from watching every episode of the hit MTV show, The Hills, its, "ALWAYS CHOOSE PARIS". This would mean dropping all of my classes and moving away for 4 months of my college career to live with a French family, take care of a beautiful 7-year-old boy, and have a once in a life time adventure.

But I decided to stay.  

"what!? why would you stay in provo!? you hate provo?! go to paris! choose paris!!" is probably what you're thinking in your head right now. That's exactly what I was telling myself too! But here's the thing. I was going for all the wrong reasons. And it turned out that this last month of brain-racking decision making, and eternal pro/cons lists was exactly what I needed to refocus my life, and re-find myself. It turned out my 'Paris' is here.

Trying to decide whether or not to to pick up and move to Europe made me reevaluate every single part of my life. I know, 4 months is NOTHING when you look at the big picture, but it's still a ripple, and would make a huge difference in my life. On one hand, Paris would be the biggest adventure of all. Living in a new country with a native family and a new culture would force me to grow immensely. On the other hand, I have everything going for me here in Provo, Utah. I was just about to start my program at school, I had a well-paying, flexible job, and I had just started the first committed, adult relationship of my life. I had everything I needed right here.

I had myself convinced I needed more. How could I go through life, look back on my early 20's and be okay with this? I'm sorry, no offense to Provo or BYU or anything but let's be honest, it's a bubble.

Mesa --> Provo --> Marriage --> mommy-blogging was not the path I had planned. I wanted more.

What I didn't realize is how passive I had been about my future. I didn't know who or what I wanted to be when I was older, so it didn't matter how I got there. To me, it seemed like moving to Paris was an easy way to get what I wanted. I didn't have to save money, I just had to go. But I didn't earn that experience. I'm not just talking about the money for the plane ticket over there, I'm talking about the actual experience. I was skipping out on real life to go play for 4 months of my life, with the excuse that I 'was finding myself' or that I 'needed to learn more about myself' or that I needed to 'do something like this before I settle down'. What kind of reasons are those? Seriously looking back I'm mad at myself! What good would have that experience done me? If I'm looking to learn more about myself, I need to branch out here. I need to change my attitude about where I am now if I ever want to get anywhere but here.

I ended up not going for several reasons. NO, it wasn't because of a boy. NO, it wasn't because I was scared. After thinking everything through, weeks of prayers, and fasting, it just made more sense to stay. (It's actually kind of funny because if you look at my Pinterest, the pins are extremely bipolar, ranging from pictures of Paris in the winter, to quotes about leaving things behind, and personal growth. You can tell where my mind went back and forth. It's kind of hilarious.)

I really learned my lesson. Now I want to work for every single thing that happens to me or every single thing I obtain. Every experience every adventure. I want to earn it. I've found that I no longer want to even ask my parents for money. Look at me, I seem like a super spoiled rich kid. I've never felt like I was. We've always been 'tight' on money. But I'm just now realizing how blessed I actually am. I used to think I was independent. Hardly. I need to make things happen! Take control of my life. Be my own person.

To me, Paris meant growth. It meant starting a new chapter of my life, a new adventure. I can have that here, if I would just stop being passive, stop complaining, and make my own path. I may not be moving to France, but I choose 'Paris'.